Hi Leanne - apologies for not getting back to you more promptly - but, as ever, life is busy; as I'm sure you know, what with 2 projects on the go! I just wanted to set down my thoughts on your script, the first being that, while I understand you're keeping the script close to the television format of Judge Judy etc., I think your audience still needs a bit more back story at the start of the script; for instance, you shouldn't presume any prior knowledge on the part of the audience regarding the original fairy story; find a way to get the back-story about the magic beans etc. into the beginning; perhaps the judge could make a comment regarding the salesman of the magic beans having been 'in court earlier' for fraud (or something - a gag, anyway). The other thing that is missing from your script is 'voice' - currently, all your characters speak with the same 'voice' - try and develop an individual/idiosyncratic speech pattern for your characters; okay, so the judge is 'tough-talking', but is the giant intelligent; would he not be a bit more 'um, duh, doofus-like'? And Jack, would he be a bit 'street' - or would he talk like a bumpkin? You definitely need to get more character into the dialogue, especially if, for the most part, the giant isn't going to be seen; think of the Ents from Lord of the Rings - they take a long time to say anything, and they draw out their speech; a bit more attention to detail; try performing it as you write it - it's what I do when I'm writing dialogue - even though my neighbours think me lunatic! :-)
Hi Leanne - apologies for not getting back to you more promptly - but, as ever, life is busy; as I'm sure you know, what with 2 projects on the go! I just wanted to set down my thoughts on your script, the first being that, while I understand you're keeping the script close to the television format of Judge Judy etc., I think your audience still needs a bit more back story at the start of the script; for instance, you shouldn't presume any prior knowledge on the part of the audience regarding the original fairy story; find a way to get the back-story about the magic beans etc. into the beginning; perhaps the judge could make a comment regarding the salesman of the magic beans having been 'in court earlier' for fraud (or something - a gag, anyway). The other thing that is missing from your script is 'voice' - currently, all your characters speak with the same 'voice' - try and develop an individual/idiosyncratic speech pattern for your characters; okay, so the judge is 'tough-talking', but is the giant intelligent; would he not be a bit more 'um, duh, doofus-like'? And Jack, would he be a bit 'street' - or would he talk like a bumpkin? You definitely need to get more character into the dialogue, especially if, for the most part, the giant isn't going to be seen; think of the Ents from Lord of the Rings - they take a long time to say anything, and they draw out their speech; a bit more attention to detail; try performing it as you write it - it's what I do when I'm writing dialogue - even though my neighbours think me lunatic! :-)
ReplyDelete